Even though anger is categorized as a 'primary emotion', it is a very complex emotion. Anger volleys between weakness and strength. It is said that being truly angry, as in, if something unjust has been done to them, makes one move huge mountains to right the wrong. However, anger is also a defense against being too vulnerable and insecure.
• It is a regular workday and Jane has a presentation to make that will influence her future in the company. After her presentation, on reflection, she feels that it was average and that she could have done better. Right then, her colleague walks in and says exactly what was on Jane’s mind, but instead of agreeing, she lashes out at her and disregards the assessment.
• John is a father of one and believes that his child should be brought up without any 'touchy-freely nonsense'. He begins to reprimand and punish the child over petty things or when the child does not blindly comply with everything. John 'shows his anger' by spanking, screaming, breaking his toys, taking away meals at cetera. Soon enough, the child too has a change of demeanor and starts treating his peers, friends, and John too in the same way.
In this expanding and cut-throat world, nobody wants to show 'signs of weakness and vulnerability' and Jane, too, did not want her colleague to peek into her. So, she used anger as a buffer to exert her superiority and nullify the criticism. Similarly, John thought he would be raising a 'tough child' by using punishments, negative reinforcements, and keeping empathy, positive reinforcements, and love outside of their lives.
In both these cases, the anger proves to be expensive. Not so much of a superficial monetary price, but a deeper emotional and personal price that they are paying. In shutting down her colleague’s criticism and subsequently her self-introspection, Jane is not allowing herself to tap into her insecurities and deal with them. It will cost her personal and professional growth. And most importantly, she would not have felt the need to exert her authority if she were a complete person within herself already.
John, on the other hand, is creating an atmosphere with anger as a behavioral tool. Children learn from grown-ups by copying what they do. John's rash anger is robbing his child and everyone around him of a good life with a healthy mind. The child will start tormenting all the other children around him the same way his father torments him. John too will start to receive flak as his child grows older.
In both these scenarios, anger is proving to be expensive;
We need to realize that our anger is costing us these massive prices and stop choosing to get angry. Anger creates moments of illusory power that only makes one feel regret and remorse later.
It is, therefore, necessary to find alternative ways to vent your anger without yelling and hitting.